How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Randomize
