I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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