five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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