She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
