I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize