My hair reeks of homosexuality.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
