You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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