she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
