Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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