Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
