considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Swine flu is the new snow day.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Randomize
