i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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