Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Damn victory sex feels great
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize