I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
