i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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