when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
