You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
