I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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