I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Randomize
