Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
