What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
