Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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