i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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