are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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