I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You have to summon your inner elephant
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
