my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
sarcasm needs its own font
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
