i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
