remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
