apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
