TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
