He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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