i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
