I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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