Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
