I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I have feelings that need drinking.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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