I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
