Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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