I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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