Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
