I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
