I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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