her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
