I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
