just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
