a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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