I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Why did my mother make you get naked?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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