I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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