what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
