The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
