I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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