My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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