My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize