when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
