i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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