Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
