hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
True strength comes from lack of pants
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He shit in the fireplace
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
