i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
