Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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