we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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