my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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