I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
