you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
