I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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