theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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