This is not my ceiling
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
