I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
